Ppp. Long post sorry. Not really looking for advice as such just need to let it …

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Ppp. Long post sorry. Not really looking for advice as such just need to let it out. So at the start of this year I started seeing a guy he was lovely and nice and my friends said how I seem to have found a decent one for a change (people in the past has never ended wel, I’m one of those that gets ditched for someone else or just ignored for no reason when they can’t be bothered) anyway…. after 4 months of seeing him he suddenly woke up one day said he doesn’t want to anymore we then didn’t talk for about 3/4 weeks and in that time he had been seeing another girl I then found out he slept with her before we stopped seeing each other. After they stopped he started talking to me again and coming over but since then he has been on and off with me. One moment he will be nice and normal and the next he is horrible to me and telling me to leave him alone and then a couple days later he will talk to me as normal again and so on over and over. In this time he has called me boring, obsessive, that he doesn’t like me as a person, and that I’m not decent enough to be with, and said I make things up in my head and much more. I don’t know why he would say I make things up I don’t even know what he was referring too when asked he wouldn’t answer. He would make me feel worthless and ugly by the things he says and I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and when I asked him to stop being nasty because it makes me feel bad about myself which then triggers my anxiety he laughed at me and carried on and then said that what he says to me is my own fault because I talk to him I said just because 2 people talk there’s no need for nasty comments but he didn’t listen. If I spoke to a friend about it all he would then have a go at me saying I shouldn’t tell anybody and that people will talk and he will look bad and I said but it is bad what you say and he would just reply with “my friends know I’m a nice guy” and I’d said how he expect to ever find a happy relationship if this is how he treats women and he said he doesn’t treat them like this it’s only me he treats this way. I always felt like walking on eggshells as didn’t know what mood he was going to be in. My friend actually shouted at him once and said he is emotional abusing me to which when he spoke to me again he laughed about and said he isn’t. Not long ago he got nasty again and I had enough so had a huge go at him and ask what his problem is to which I have been ignored since and now his friends are messaging me giving me sh*t and saying leave him alone and that I’m mental. He’s said to them and me I was nothing but sex and I never meant anything to him and we was never seeing each other and that he shouldn’t have said that to me as he didn’t mean it but I should have already knew that he hadn’t meant it. I know I’m stupid for going back to him so much and I won’t be again. But I just feel so worthless right now and I honestly think I won’t ever find anybody to be with and I’m too scared to even get into anything as I’m always treated the same and I keep thinking it’s me that the problem to be treated badly again and again by people. Im actually freaking out posting this in case somebody sees and guesses who and shows all as another attempt to make me look bad because of my anxiety and him clearly saying things about me to people I don’t want it to get to the point where I don’t want to leave the house again.
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