Mummy and Daddy take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends. We are each allocated one day to have an extra couple of hours in bed.
Mummy has noticed there are a few small differences between her morning lie in routine and Daddy’s.
1. Daddy does not have regular visits in bed where he is poked and stared at to check if he is yet awake.
2. Daddy does not give up on his lie in around 6am and get up.
3. Daddy comes straight downstairs after his leisurely 2 hours extra In bed and straight away makes himself a coffee and toast.
4. Daddy goes straight back upstairs after toast and coffee for a 45 minute toilet break.
5. Daddy returns and sits engrossed in children’s programmes.
1. Mummy is visited in bed 10 minutes into her lie in, she is poked, stared at, and alerted by the word FINISHED!!!! When she is needed in the bathroom instantly.
2. Mummy gives up 30 minutes into her designated lie in and gets up.
3. Mummy arrives downstairs at what only can be described as a disaster zone.
4. Mummy sees Daddy lying on the sofa in the foetal position, looking like he is suffering with post traumatic stress.
5. Mummy tidies up the twenty thousand toys on the floor whilst daddy goes for a 45 minute toilet break.
6. Mummy feeds the children a ‘proper’ breakfast that doesn’t consist of Dairylea singles and digestive biscuits. Daddy says Isla didn’t want cereal, she wanted cheese.
7. Mummy picks up Daddy’s dirty breakfast pots from the floor in the living room and bangs them down on the side in the kitchen to let Daddy know he is a scruffy cock womble.
8. Mummy is informed the children have been awfully hard work in the 30 minute time span Daddy has had to look after them.
9. Mummy is given a list of all of the things both children did that were challenging in the 30 minutes Mummy was ‘resting’.
10. Mummy orders Daddy a large medal off of eBay as she fills the washing machine then changes the baby’s bum.
11. Mummy washes the pots that are invisible to Daddy as he stands watching next to her, hiding from the children in the living room.
12. Mummy asks Daddy why his dirty clothes are in the middle of the living room floor. Daddy says he took them off there last night. Mummy is getting cross. Daddy missed the subtle hint that he should pick his dirty clothes up off of the bastarding floor immediately.
13. Mummy finally gets around to having some toast an hour and a half after she has arrived downstairs. Daddy tells mummy he is too feeling a little peckish, Mummy thinks it must have been hard for him only managing to eat a bowl of cereal, half a pack of biscuits and 2 slices of toast whilst the children ran him ragged for a whole 30 minutes. Daddy stands right where mummy needs to be stood to butter her toast… still avoiding the children.
14. Daddy sits watching the children’s programmes on TV whilst the little one empties a full packet of baby wipes onto the carpet and the biggest hounds mummy in the kitchen to get the play dough out.
15. Daddy asks Mummy why she is a bit grumpy. Mummy says she just can’t fucking think why she would possibly be feeling grumpy on her designated lie in day.