Can I please have a private post? It’s pretty long because there is a lot of back ground information needed. 😓
So my fiancé and I are expecting our baby to arrive in 4 weeks times. When I was around 20 weeks I found out that a few years ago he had gone over seas and slept with a (few) sex worker(s). He tried to tell me his friends father paid for the prostitute but I found messages on his phone admitting to someone else that he had bought girls himself and was having “plenty of sex” and bragging about how “ridiculously cheap and easy” it was to get sex over there. He even mentioned somewhere in the messages one was a single mother. That made me feel sick. He was laughing about it.
We were supposed to be talking to each other getting close to offically starting a relationship when he left and by the time he came back I had decided against it. (I didn’t know about the sex workers)
Time goes by and He then gets into a relationship with someone else and ended up getting her pregnant.
He broke up with her when him and I crossed paths again and we eventually ended up falling in love and moving in together and getting engaged. (I only knew about the child not about anything else he had been getting up too) I do genuinely love him and I know he loves me too. We’re usually very happy and we’ve always been in love.
After moving in with him Getting engaged and deciding to start a family did I find out the things he did while over seas. It made me really upset and we fought about it for months.
More about the moral standing than anything else. When I realised I needed to let the past go I decided to turn the whole situation around and change my views on what sex is supposed to be all about.
I was in an abusive relationship once and he ended up selling me to 3 of his friends after I was force fed drinks and drugs. I never remembered any of his (my ex’s) friends having sex with me but he would tell me about it the next morning. So I already had a problem with that sort of thing and I ended up hating sex until I met my current fiancé. But now I find myself hating sex again. I’m repulsed by it. Why would I want to be intimate with him or anyone? You can have sex with anyone. It can be with friends or even strangers. You can find it online or in a club. You can force someone into it or you can pressure someone to feel like they need it. HELL you can even buy it while on an over seas trip with a bunch of women you don’t know. So I don’t think sex is about love anymore. I’ve been shown by too many people it isn’t the case these days. I do sometimes try to tell myself “well that’s how you got your little bundle of joy!” And then I think “yeah well it’s also how he got some other chick he hates with a passion pregnant too and ended up with another kid to someone else…can’t have hated her that much.”
I’m just sick of thinking about it. And the last 3-4 months we’ve probably had sex 4-6 times max. I cry afterward and I just hate it. I don’t even like him touching my boobs or anything. It makes me angry that I constantly tell him no and he keeps doing it. What do I do? I don’t want to leave him because I am in love with him. I do care for him. He’s my best friend and I love him to the end of the world. I just don’t love to have sex with him or be intimate with him. Can a sexless relationship last? Or do you think I’ll become okay with it all in time? I don’t know what to do or how to talk to him about it. I need someone to help me.